Change

Change

By: Erin

I run from you 

As fast as my legs will go

One two one two one two

Terrified as my heart beats fast

I attempt to make a deal with God

“Please don’t make me”

“I’ll be good”

“Give me this, just this… please”

Tears fall 

Destructive thoughts intrude

Making me feel small

Stomach Sick

Chest tight

Panic makes my breath quick

A whispering voice finds my ear

 That only I can hear

“My precious child, I hold you tight – know in my will you are held upright, 

You need not be afraid to lose what I have given you

For I will give you what you need each night

In life many things change and morph, all except that I’ll be with you each day through

Through the pain and sorrow

Through the fear and shame

Through the joy and laughter

Through the love and gain

It is true that you love me and I love you

And I am always here for you to turn to.”

My body relaxes as I rest in His arms

Knowing I’m safe tonight

And in the Lord I shall always find relief and light

I need not run from the change ahead
People coming - People leaving
New places and experiences
Because I hold on to those words whispered and said

What Recovery Is

     Recovery is……

Taking it one minute at a time. Closing your eyes and breathing deeply. Resting when you want to keep going. Eating three meals each and every day. Opening your mouth and saying “I’m not okay today.” Saying “No” when you it gets to be too much. Asking for help. Believing tomorrow holds something better. Pushing yourself not to be faster, smarter, or better looking, no pushing yourself to be healthier. Giving up former dreams that made you sick – which gives you room to find out what makes you strong.

     Recovery is…..

Learning how to be in healthy relationships. Learning to honor your needs, acknowledge theirs, and know that relationships are things you cannot control. It is making a commitment to be honest and true to yourself first – your heart. Working to rectify those broken ties along the path of the illness and destruction.

    Recovery is….

Different for everyone. Never ending. A journey that morphs as you change and grow. It is challenging. Sometimes filled with dark – other times filled with light and excitement. Ever changing.

     Recovery is….

The hardest thing I’ve ever worked on. The most rewarding. Life-saving. The most exhausting. The most exciting. The most tiring. The most aggravating. The most frustrating. It is my primary job. It makes my future possible.

     Recovery….

Takes time. Takes energy. Takes focus. Takes determination. Takes strength. Takes faith. Takes support. Takes commitment. Takes love.

     Recovery….

Is how I live myself and what I have witnessed in others. It’s a battle in and of ourselves. Recovery made it possible for me to keep going to college, restore friendships, love others, inch my body toward health.

Recovery is hard. Recovery is painful. Recovery is frustrating to no end.

AND

Recovery is Beautiful.

Feel Free to Pass By!

My Poems

By: Erin

My Poems are written by me, first for me

Where my thoughts can just be

Pouring out of my head

So they don’t weigh me down instead

My Poems are not meant to be perfect for me or for you

They are a tool that helps me get through

They release the anxiety and pressure within

And calm me down when my world beings to spin

My poems are written by me, first for me

To help me understand and see

What the heck is happening in and around me

They strengthen my soul

They remind me I’m whole

They help me conquer my desire to control

I share what I write, with those I love and beyond

Because the more I share, discuss, and work to change

People so graciously respond

With similar stories, experiences or ways they can relate

So we join in discussion – to fend off the misunderstanding and hate

My poems are not to bother anyone you see

They are simply my favorite way to “just be”

I don’t ask that you like them, read them, or share them too

I just ask that you respect them as something I do

If your issues with my writing is too much to stand

Then simple move on to something you like better and understand

My poems are written as quickly as the thoughts come into my head

In an effort to prevent them from weighing my heart down instead

They are not perfect, neither am I

If you really dislike it, feel free to pass by! 

FIGHT "it", not you.

Change it - NOT you.

By: Erin

My perfectionism has been full blown today

I've been cleaning house in every way

And now that I sit my head starts to scream

"Look in the mirror - You should not have had that bowl of ice cream."

Tears quickly form because thoughts of being unwanted and incapable fill my brain

But I choose if I let these thoughts remain

I could engage in my behaviors in an effort manage these thoughts

But they instead they would multiply lots lots lots

I must choose something different something new

how about trying to change the "it" hurting me - so I can be true

I cover my mirrors for I am vulnerable right now by sight

Then I tell myself truth with all of my might

"My eating disorder does not own me."

"I can handle this tonight."

"My eating disorder does not own me."

"At the end of this tunnel there will be light"

"My eating disorder does not own me."

"I Erin Casey am all right"

"My eating disorder does not own me."

"By God's Strength I will WIN this fight."

Sometimes minutes

Sometimes hours

Sometimes seemingly forever....

I mentally battle and fight

But it is true that when I fight to change "it" and not myself I learn to be true

Sometimes that's terrifying to me

But I do it anyway because there is so much light to look to

One truth I can tell you to fight your "it" is this:

Your "it" does not own you. That I can guarantee.

Give fighting a try - you'll see

  

Exhaustion

Exhaustion

By: Erin

I never could tell when I was tired

Because I never allowed myself to say no

I need to be perfect - that was required

So after a while you forget how you feel and what you know

But this weekend exhausted me

It was go go go

not a lot of time to relax and just be

I felt temptation from both above and below

But I now have tools, the language and knowledge of recovery

It may be hard but I know what I need even so

Exhaustion is a huge trigger of mine

Especially when I keep going saying "I'm fine."

But recognizing my symptoms, then taking action too

Keeps me healthy; it's true

I've learned that I can only truly shine

when I'm not faking it, and I'm actually doing fine

Exhaustion is a body's way of saying:

"It's time to take a break"

"Listen up! Your health is at stake!"

"If you keep going like this - you'll decline quickly too"

"Just take a break, rest up, and you'll be good as new!"

I loved feeling how body my handled things in recent days

And thinking about all my old unhealthy ways 

Though sometimes incredibly tempting here and there

I'll always choose to rest when needed --

rather than ignore my exhaustion and end up in despair

 

So Much Is Changing

So Much is Changing

By: Erin

People are Moving

Goals are being Achieved

Passions are being Pursued

So Much is changing

It’s easy to be scared

Cry over past moments shared

Convince yourself you are not prepared

For what is to come

It is easy to revert to what is old

For me those are patterns of what once was controlled 

Desperately trying to fit some mold

Or warm my heart from the depressed cold

But I am not old; I am new

So much is changing; it is true I am too

I am scared yes, but exhilarated at this new view

There is so much I have loved, and for that I thank you

It’s incredible to look change in the face, and know you can do it, get through

The possibilities don’t end – there is so much to pursue

People are moving

Goals are being achieved

Passions are being pursued

So Much Is Changing

Look at this view

Today Marks 6 months of Recovery....

I have so much to be thankful for. Today I'm just relishing that I am six months further on this journey of hope & recovery than I thought I ever would be not too long ago. I'm so grateful for everything.... especially you!

I

The world on your shoulders....

So Much

By: Erin

Do you ever feel the world on your shoulders by day and by night?

Do you have days when you ask: “Will it really actually for honest truth be alright?”

“People need me.”

“I have things to do, places to be.”

Close your eyes

Or look to the skies

Breathe in deeply now

Know this:

The world will continue on somehow

It may feel the world is on your shoulders – but it’s not

That is just something dark in our brains causing pain and distraught

The world will continue regardless of this decision or that

Life is a journey – not something we “arrive at”

When you ask yourself “Will it really actually for honest truth be alright?”

Say out loud: “I stand for not darkness, but light.”

When we fight for light we get joy, love, and hope in great measure

And those things are our greatest treasure

You are needed that is true

But you are needed to be your beautiful you

So that you can do what God has inspired you to do

And go to the place you are supposed to be too

Don’t be burdened by this world, this life, this treasure you’ve been given

Take what inspires you – and become driven

Remembering in your heart that you have been forgiven

Freed already from that burden on your shoulders by day and by night

And now you know it really actually for honest truth will be alright

Ours to Decide

Chain Reaction 

By: Erin

He said; She said

Don’t do this – do that instead

Okay why not?

Apparently I’m better at it than I thought

It feels good to be praised and built up

Until someone looks close up

Nope this is not for you

You feel sad, but underneath you already knew

There was something else for you

Someone says try this out today

Wow you’re great! You’ll go all the way

You rejoice with the nice words being said

But those words are not enough to get you daily out of bed

So you say no thanks it’s not for me I’m afraid

People stare in your eyes displeased; dismayed 

What is important in my heart?

That is where I should start.

What are the convictions God has planted in me

If I could do anything – what would that be?

Who do I love down to their core?

How can I bring more love, more love and more?

What ignites my soul from stillness to action?

For passion produces a chain reaction

A desire to move

A desire to change

A desire to improve

The world in which we currently reside

What we do in that time though is ours to decide

It takes a village.

It takes a Village

By: Erin

Thank you for believing in me

Talking it through

Handling me yelling at you

Thank you for encouraging me

Telling me the sometimes hard to hear truth from which I run

And when I am under clouds, showing me the sun

Thank you for never giving up on me

Knowing that there is something within me worth fighting for

And never allowing me to give up, but always expecting more

Thank you for not walking away when it’s hard to be with me

Seeing the beauty in me when all I see is ugliness and stains

You’re love helps me to break free from my chains

This fight is not one I can do alone

This fight is not one that can go unknown

My recovery – trial – journey too, 

Has proven that it takes not one, not two

It takes: 

A village of friends

An army of aggressive treatment providers

A community of believers

A college of understanding

A team to cheer you on

A family to hold and support

A house filled with love to call a home

Thank you 

All of you who walk with me and I with you

Life is so hard to go it alone

We were created to know and be known

You know my struggle, my illnesses, my strife

And yet you love me, dance with me, laugh with me and

Live life

I could never be more thankful for the people that I know

The people that have seen me grow

The people that have shared life with me

The people who have allowed me to just be

You are what make my days special, fun, and sometimes okay too

So today, I say Thank you & I love you.

Dedicated to:

Friends, Family, All the little kids I babysit, Housemates, RR Sisters, Treatment Providers, Classmates – and everyone else I get to spend my days with you all mean the world to me.

Mine by design

My Recovery

By: Erin

You have no clue where I have been

You have no clue, the scars on and beneath my skin

The trauma I’ve experienced by day

All the ways my illnesses have led me astray

So Stop

Hold your tongue tight

Before you judge me, compare yourself to me, or criticize me tonight

You climb my many mountains each all the way to the top

Remember – you don’t get a break, or get to stop

Then jump into the one thing you’ve been afraid of down to the bone:

Life, the future, the uncertain, the unknown

My Recovery

It is mine

Unique by design

Twists and turns

Breaks and burns

It is mine

 Not yours to discuss and define

My Recovery

Hold your tongue tight 

Be my friend tonight

Climb to your top your own mountain tops and view

I’ll do me; you do you

But let’s cheer each other on the whole hard way through

My Recovery

It is mine

I’ll do me; You do you

Learning to Live

Learning to Live

By: Erin

When you get used to being paralyzed by one thing or another

You forget:

To live

To love

To laugh

Learning to live is a strange sensation

Involving:

Building a proper foundation

Resisting temptation

Believing and affirmation

Sitting with agitation

Lots of confrontation

Hours of conversation

Self-exploration

External and internal inspiration

A degree of maturation

Sometimes realization and revelation

Resulting in

Beautiful transformation

Which leads you to remember:

To Live

To Love

To Laugh

And you are no longer paralyzed by that one thing or theother over there

No.

You are free

To move, to go here, to live there, to run to the mountains,jump in the ocean – or simply sit anywhere

Learning to live is a strange sensation

Resulting in

Beautiful transformation

A Better Day

A Better Day

By: Erin

There is nothing quite like a better day after a string of rough ones

Relief after it feels like the world is weighing down on you tons

There is nothing like a better day

A day like today

Nothing spectacular happened in any way

But again I felt like Erin today

I went to class and did just fine

And then I kept going without decline

Today was a better day

I was able to do my thing today

Seven days of feeling rough to the core

Can make you want to cry, scream, fight, isolate, and hide and more

Fearful this darkness would never fade to the distance

I felt tired of my very existence

But today was a better day

In a very ‘regular’ way

Which is the best kind of day I could ever have at all

Because those days remind me – there are more to come – even after a painful fall

Today was a better day

After seven days that hurt in almost every way

But just as there is sun at the end of every storm

At the end of a string of cold bad days, there is something better, something warm

Today was a better day

To Overcome

To Survive or to Overcome

By: Erin

I do not want to be a “survivor”

I want to be an “over-comer”

It is not enough for me to simply make it through my day

God did not make me that way

It is not enough for me to simply crawl to the finish line

I am a runner by design

Let me tell you:

I will survive

I will survive the trauma I’ve experienced before

And that of which might come some more

I will survive

The difficulties of my mental illnesses each day

I don’t care what they bring my way

I will survive

The daily ups and downs we all trek through

Feeling bad then feeling new

But beyond surviving I will overcome

I will be everything I am called to be

Everything God has built me to be

I will overcome

My past and the shame I hold in my heart

And I will run, take off to the finish – from the start

I will overcome

The odds and ways I’ve been told my mental illnesses will hold me behind

Because these diseases are not how I am defined

I will survive

Yes but more importantly

I will overcome

Run Away

Run

By: Erin

I would run to another country right now if I could

Jump ship 

Abandon all that I have in hopes of getting something new

Run away, away from you

Run as far and as fast as I possibly could

Forget all of what I should

It’s now about the possibilities or what I could

Run to some far and distant land where no one knows my name

And I can walk freely, head held high, without any shame

Run as far as my feet will go

Run to a place where no one will know

I will escape my past

And if about it I am asked

I will say:

It does not matter where I have been, know me today

I want to run

Far far away 

To find freedom even if just for today

I want to be someone who does not have my stuff

I want to be someone else, because I’ve had enough

We all at times would like to run from ourselves I think

Which can lead us to numb out, with behaviors, drugs or sometimes a drink

I want to run so badly right now

But – that is something I will not do, I will not allow

I will stay, stay through the pain, the struggle, the hurt and strife

To be honest I’ve run or numbed most of my life

And it has not worked very well for me in any shape or form

And has always just prolonged the storm

I want to run far away today

But I am choosing to stay

It would help if you would sit with me

As I struggle to be

I never really wanted to run away from you

Just everything I am going through

Can I have a hug and maybe a prayer?

I really appreciate the way that you care

Christ is Risen -- Happy Easter

Christ is Risen

By: Erin

Holy week is filled with thoughts, prayers, love, tears, joy and reflection

Preparing our hearts for the celebration of Christ’s resurrection

Christ is Risen

He is Risen Indeed

Jesus did what He said he would do

He did it to save me, He did it to save you

He took on the sin of the world and of all

Which was an act of love – anything but small

Christ is Risen

He is Risen Indeed

This day reminds me how thankful I am for what Christ did for me

This day reminds me how thankful I am for what Christ has given me

This day fills my heart as I celebrated with my brothers and sisters in Christ

For we know we are now free – Jesus so unfairly died to pay our price

Christ is Risen

He is Risen Indeed

Today we rejoice because we have been freed

Christ is Risen

He is Risen Indeed

Glory to you oh Lord

Glory to you

Glory

Glory

To you Lord Jesus Christ

Community

Community

By: Erin

I have experiences from time to time

Where I end up sharing some part of my story

With people who first share with me

Where they have traveled on their own journey

Today a woman shared with me the hurt and fear she felt overcome by

I replied with I have hurts and pains, you’re not alone, God will supply

I shared with her where I had been

For her daughter seems to be in a similar situation I was in

Tears began to roll down her face

And all the sudden I wanted to run from that place

Pain sat in my stomach, my chest, and my heart

I choked back tears…. Refusing to let them start

The pain in that moment came from understanding the extent to with people hurt on this earth

Physical pain, relational struggle, to not understanding our worth

My ability to relate to this woman’s fear, hurt and pain

Led me to pray: 

“God help us feel love, and help comfort be attained

We are broken

Hurting

Terrified too

Just bring us closer to You”

That woman and her story affected me tonight

We all have a story, a journey we’ve walked, a fear in our hearts

Sometimes we’re just trying to hold together our parts

Jesus came to bind, heal, and free 

We’re called to follow Him, I love you, and you love me

We often want to run in the face of discomfort and pain

But how is that living out the Gospel even when there is no hope of gain?

We are to weep with those who weep

We are to rejoice with those who rejoice

Because we are not called to walk, journey, hurt, love, celebrate alone

God calls us to live in community, to know and be known

Patience is a virtue....right?

Patience

By: Erin

We all want things we don’t have

Well, I want patience

Maybe I was born with this deficiency

Maybe I developed it somewhere along the way

But typically I want things “right now – here in this moment – as good as yesterday”

Recovery is teaching me this virtue and trait

Often times saying to me:

“Erin, it’ will come, you’ll get there, you just have to wait.”

Now to give you a picture as to what this feels like in my heart

In that moment I fill with fear, as though I will break a part

“What if it never comes today, or any day at all?”

“What if while I’m waiting I just continue to fall?”

I struggle with patience in all areas of life you see

But recovery is the most difficult because of everything that is at stake, including me

I think it comes from fear

Lack of trust too

If I can get it now

It won’t be able to escape somehow

But recovery, like so many other things is a process

That comes slowly but surely too 

So sometimes, as much as it sucks we just have to grit our teeth and walk through

Walk through the anxiety of not knowing

Walk through the pain of waiting to be better

Walk through the burning to desire to get this done

And realize that…

Even if this journey has just begun

It is worth it

Even if you’ve been walking for years

It is worth it

Even if you keep tripping and falling

It is worth it

Patience is hard, scary, frustrating and anxiety ridden as well

But we must try to develop that simple yet profound trait in order to continue on and excel

Patience

Passion Week

Passion Week

By: Erin

When you hear the word passion what comes to mind?

Maybe being in love or going at something to the grind

What about Passion Week?

What about the day Jesus was nailed to the cross unjust

As we (the people) looked at him with disgust

Lonely

Cut-off

Abandoned

Denied

He took on our punishment where He died

That is where he took on all of our sin

The sin to come, the sin the is, and the sin that has been

And endured nails in his hands and feet

So that God’s plan would be complete

After all the horrible things Christ did endure

In God’s sight we are now pure

“It is finished”

I need Comfort Tonight....

Comfort

By: Erin

People cannot comfort your soul in a storm

Not to the point of turning your freezing emptiness into something warm

People are magnificent creations to be loved, celebrated, and appreciated too

But when you are drowning, God is truly the only one who can comfort you

He can silence the waves knocking you down

So you find breath just when you feel you may drown 

His word speaks truth into the painful moments that terrorize our brains

His Son came to break away all those painful chains

And in the end it is His love that remains 

God is love

God is trust

God is eternal

God is hope

God is power

God is comfort

He helps you stand after having fallen once again to the ground

He never leaves you – His love is forever and always around

People are magnificent creations to be loved, celebrated, and appreciated too

But God is the magnificent Creator is in love with you, here to comfort and help you through

Here to comfort and help you through

He’s always ready to whisper:

“I love you”