If I could just be perfect...

Perfectly Imperfect

By: Erin

My mind says

You must be

Everything you see

In this list below

That is what you shall show

Polished

Very thin

Clean

Expressed

Firm yet Gentle

Strong yet humble

Always kind

Organized

Smart without being annoying

Well versed in the “right thing to say”

Accidently funny

Poised

Composed

And I was killing myself trying to meet those expectations

For I would never get to all of those destinations

I am not perfect

And that is what I want to be

So that no one will have a chance to see

Who I am today

Me for me

But here I am – I think this is right

It may be a little different from your view or sight

Capable

Healthy

Ambitious

Passionate

Extreme

Loud (really loud)

Blunt yet kind

Strong physically, mentally, emotionally

Manipulative when I am scared

Organized if I care

Smart and sometimes annoying

Way too well versed in the “right thing to say”

Awkwardly funny

Open

Impulsive

Childish sometimes

Arrogant at times

Stubborn and difficult

Loving

Determined

There are definitely things I need to work through, talk through, and change to move ahead

So that my recovery can continue to spread

Inside of myself

My body

My mind

My soul

And to do that I must accept where I am today

Instead of wishing for something impossible and faraway

Today you will see

I am me for me

Perfectly Imperfect

Just how I’m supposed to be

 

Judging Myself...

Judging Myself

By: Erin

The past few days I have been judging myself in every way I can

You’re treatment is taking too long

There must be something wrong with you

Other people notice it too

Moments like these make me want to do something reckless

Who cares – what is the point anyway

You heard that woman say:

She was in therapy for one and a half years

Yours will never end or so it appears

Yeah you’ve made strides in the recent months and weeks

But isn’t life without treatment what I seek

Why would I need it for so many years

When it seems so different for my peers

I feel embarrassment and shame

I feel awkward and lame

Why is this what they say I need?

When I want right now to give it up and proceed

Without the extra professional support

And try it on my own or something of the sort

So many emotions

Weird feelings too

But I do know what I will do

I’m going to follow this treatment plan

I never want to return to where I began

So I will swallow my pride

Continue with on this journey for however long it takes

For what we’re talking about has really high stakes

I will do my best to not compare with those I see

And try my best to focus on what is actually best for me

This is hard.