Today is NOT fair.... again

Today it is not fair

By: Erin 

It’s not fair my life is not my own

Or that it feels that way sometimes

If I want to wake up I take a pill

If I want to go to sleep I take a pill

If I want to keep food down I take more pills

If I want to prevent mania there is a pill for that too

In order to keep from killing myself I swallow yet another pill

It’s so frustrating to be surrounded by people who think that you’re “interesting”

Simply because you have a diagnosis (or two)

It’s not fair my life is not my own

Or that it feels that way sometimes

If I want to stay sane I must sleep 9 hours no more, no less

If I want to keep adjusted I must work hard to stay present, not past, not future

If I want to focus in class I must calm my racing thoughts.. 1, 2, 3,

If I want to have stable relationships I have to filter what I say, share and disclose about myself

If I want to succeed I have to do all of the above, and everything else too

It’s hard to choose to function, when you know it would be easier not to

It’s hard to choose to swallow the pills when the routine becomes mundane, and you feel

bitterness towards them

it is hard to sleep the right amount, stay present, calm my thoughts, and have stable relationships when all I want to do is relax in my own life, throw caution to the wind

…..be reckless for a moment

It gets tiring following a million rules either written on bottles

On paper as part of a treatment plan

Or even those in your mind that you know to be helpful and correct

So today, I say it’s not fair

Today, I am upset, angry, frustrated, and tired

And that’s OK but --

 I’m glad, I’ve been around long enough to know….

Tomorrow will be better.