I hate when things don't go my way.....

Body Image Meltdown

By: Erin 

My body image has never been good or great

Actually my body is something I’ve always loved to hate

But here in the recovery world and time

We learn that using words like “fat” is basically a crime

But what do you do when you work really hard

And then all the sudden what you learned seems to discard

Your old language resurfaces to tell you what to do

And you’re convinced that overnight you grew grew grew

Well this just happened to me like two days ago

And let me tell you boy does it blow

Not only is my eating disorder screaming horrible lies in my ear

But I’m committed to recovery – that much is clear

So I feel like I was tricked into something I didn’t ask for

But I do know that being sick is not what I want anymore

So I guess I must keep going with the plan we’ve already made

Even getting on the scale backwards in order to get weighed

My body image meltdown sucks a lot and I want it to end

But, I’m sure like with most of recovery there is more I need to mend

So in the meantime I will go the extra mile in making myself smile

Because staying the track will be worthwhile

A topic that needs to be talked about....

Suicide

By: Erin 

For those who do it or think about it, it is

An escape

Freedom from the hurt

Peace from pain

Unnervingly inviting

Interesting and Curious

The only way

For Loved ones it is

Unbearably heartbreaking

Distressing beyond belief

Filled with anguish

Tragic

In time and space it is

Permanent

Unalterable

Irreversible

Forever

For everyone it is

Quiet and cold

Uncomfortable

Sorrowful

Gloomy

For me it is

All of the above

And  

A Reminder of why I wake up in the morning

A reminder to keep fighting

A reminder to walk forward on my bad days

A reminder to live in the present

A reminder to appreciate and celebrate my friends

A reminder to do my best….. today

You deserve love.... down to your beautiful soul.

The cycle will break

By: Erin 

A couple of these

A handful of those

A scoop of this

A sliver of that

Some binges started slow

The pace always quickened although

A pile of these

A fistful of those

A bowl of this

A slice of that

Some binges began at lightning speed

As my emotions took over like a stampede

In a last ditch effort to give myself what it cried out for

I ate and ate until my body could fit food no more

In a daze I would feel the physical pain by body was in

But that was nothing compared to the emotional pain that was hidden within

I would then turn to the only friend I could find

The porcelain bowl that was there every time

That object though not alive, brought comfort and relief that was true

For after I purged the food and pain I really did feel brand new

I ignored the pain in my throat and sometimes in my chest

Because I required that I smiled and did my best

But I broke down gradually, not all and abrupt

But it still turned my life upside down and caused great disrupt

But today I am alive, well, and unstuck from the horrid pattern and trap

But it still takes work, and did not happen in a snap

I love that I am not a slave to the need to binge and purge

But sometimes it takes my everything to fight that awful urge

It’s worth it though the long days, nights and even self-fights

Because when you pull away from your eating disorder your life reaches you heights

Remember you always deserve comfort other than a ceramic bowl

Like a hug from someone that loves you down to your beautiful soul

The balance beam of life.....

The Balance

By: Erin 

I learned to balance at a very young age

For you had to balance on your toes to take on the stage

But controlling my stomach, my back, and my feet

Is far easier to balance than life here out on the street

It’s almost as if I have been programmed for extremeness in every way

From the games that I play, to what I desire to weigh all the way to how I bow down and pray

People call this black and white thinking the way that I live

They don’t seem to mind though, when it is to them that I give

I will admit I am all or nothing I all that I do

Which can work great for you

If you are on the side of the “all”

And the part with nothing is left out of sight down the hall

But I can do this no more; for this is bad for my core

Because my basic health is usually the part I ignore

So hear me say it loud and clear

And hold me accountable make me adhere

I am seeking balance of time for work and time for play

I see now that there is not only one way

I’m going to fight my tendency to be extreme and too much

By seeking health, joy, success, love and the such

I feel this battle is going to be a steep one to climb

But it seems like these battles are becoming part of my time

They always prove worth it in the end

And have usually helped me become my own friend

Happy Valentines Day!

Hi. I really like you.

By: Erin 

Hi. I really like you.

You are so cute

You are so smart

You are so fun to talk to

Hi. I really like you

You are so tall and handsome

You love Jesus with all your heart

Your passion inspires me

Hi. I really like you

And I don’t know what to do

This does not usually happen to me

It’s actually becoming hard to think clearly

Okay, so now what?

Do I wait for you to say something?

Do I attempt to flirt or something weird?

Do I leave little hints you probably won’t get?

No. I know what I’ll do.

“Hi So I decided

I’m just going to tell you….

….I really really like you.”

(Now won’t you like me too?)