What do you do when....

Act Opposite 

By: Erin

What do you do when you can’t….

Go on

Keep trying

Move

Breathe

What do you do when everything…..

Goes wrong

Hurts

Seems impossible

Does not make sense

????

My instinct tells me to….

Quit

Give up

Stop

Die

I naturally respond to the world by acting out this way…

Binging and Purging

Restricting

Self injury

Disappearing

Checking out

What would be better?

I know these things do not work

They just send my moods crazy wild and berserk

So this is what I try to do

It might help you too

Act Opposite

I want to quit – so I try again

I think about giving up – so I take another step

I want to stop – so I close my eyes and keep go go go

I think death – I remember who gave me life

Act Opposite

If I have the urge to binge and purge

I make self-care the thing I submerge

If my desire is to restrict my food

I spend time working to improve my mood

If I feel the need to disappear

I tell someone how I feel so they can hear

If I feel the need to check out in any way

I do something special for myself that day

Act Opposite

We’re so good at wanting what is not good for us

Sometimes we must force ourselves to progress

Act Opposite  

 Act Opposite was taught to me by Nicole in the DBT group I go to. Thanks Nicole!

It’s a skill that is helping me tonight.

We all cried

We all cried

By: Erin

Group today was rough

Emily’s text said enough:

“Call me if you need me… weird all the girls cried today”

It’s weird how sometimes it works out that way

We talked

Depression

Suicide

Abuse

Loss

Fear

Shame

Muttering words through tears

As we shook with our hidden fears

But as we said them out loud and realized we were not alone

The power of the fear seemed the wane

And strength we all did gain

It was rough; I was telling them hope was not real

But our very group today proved that was not true

For we were right there helping each other through

It’s easier to believe hope is gone

And the darkness has won

But if we believe that we are lying to ourselves and others

And stealing tomorrow from our sisters and brothers

Narrow or Wide -- You Choose.

Narrow or Wide

By: Erin

It was brought to my attention tonight that we have a choice to make

We can choose the path that is narrow

Or

We can choose the path that is wide

Jesus reminds that the wide will lead to destruction

And narrow will lead to life

But will too cause us great strife

Choosing wide is easier for we get to live the way we want

Be greedy, selfish, prideful, lustful, angry, self-centered

And do all of that, more and also flaunt

But narrow is hard – we must learn from our mistakes and trials

Keep going when it’s difficult – walk a hundred more miles

Narrow takes so much work and more

For we must train ourselves, be disciplined, fight temptations, and withstand trail….

….because it is Christ who we adore

Ultimately though, those on the narrow path rest in eternal life

After all the hardship trial and strife

Rest in Heaven and they meet the King of Kings

While the others found Hell, simply because they were obsessed with earthly things

This is a choice for each of us personally between you and God up high

But remember this life is temporary – one day we will all die

And what will come will last forever more

And lead you either to eternal Hell, or Heaven’s supposedly “pearly white” door

MATTHEW 7:13

Manipulation at its best.

Manipulate

By: Erin

People know that I like control

People know I like to feel empowered

People know I like to feel accomplished

People know I am goal oriented

People know I am driven

Let me tell you what people don’t know.

I manipulate my own body language, speech, presentation

Careful to show anything but my internal frustration

I have a switch that I can turn on at most any time I need

To show others that I have the capability to succeed

But I’ve learned something, or maybe come to a grand realization

My ability to take myself to hide behind my own manipulation

Has done nothing but hurt me in every way shape or form

Preventing me from getting help in the midst of a storm

So I’m becoming aware of this, more authentic to my own heart

Most of us know that realizing the problem is the very start

I know I’ve lived my life this way

Which is hard for me to say today

Because I value authenticity, real people, emotions too

So I guess I must admit I manipulate myself to hide from and impress you

But it has been hurting me I’ve realized – that I can clearly see

And on this journey to make myself whole, to make myself free

I must become aware, be gentle, and change that mold

Because honestly I was never REALLY controlled

Just showing the world one part of me, while hiding the other out of sight

But the truth is I am me, the same person in dark and in light

And I will respect the whole, entire me that I am today

Even if it would be easier to manipulate my image and hide parts of me away

Something important must be said.

Something to Say:

By: Erin 

Lately I’ve felt belittled, looked down upon, pitied too

Like you see me different than you used to

But maybe it is me that changed the way I saw myself everyday

And now that I know I’m worth much more than my illness or what I weigh

I have something to say:

Your tone that says “you child”

Is simply wild

I’m the one who has grown

As you continue to play victim and moan

I can stand on my own two feet

My legs are strong; have stood trials

And have walked many miles

I am not a charity case or something good to do

I am a girl who loves to laugh, swim, dance and talk with you

I have hardships, troubles, hurts, and trial

But if you think you don’t – you’re in denial

So be my friend

I’ll be yours

But stop acting like you have to save me

I have my support so let it be

And trust this – if I need help I know how to ask

That is one of treatment’s really big tasks

I want you to see the person that I am

Someone who is fun, loud, smart, silly, loving, and kind

I also can be direct, anal, annoying, controlling, and blunt at times

And you know what – it’s Okay if you don’t like me sometimes

But don’t treat me like I’m less than you

Because of my past, my illness, or because I’m different too.

The "I feel..." Statement

“I feel”

By: Erin 

Throughout treatment we constantly say the words “I feel”

I feel angry - I feel sad

I feel hurt - I feel mad

I feel lost - I feel tired

I feel anxious – I feel inspired

The hardest thing though is when you just want to let go

Of all the feelings that we feel so deep inside

And wish they would pour out of our soul if we just cried

But feelings cling to our souls it seems

And maybe our only relief is in our dreams

Don’t fool yourself though “numb” is a feeling like every other

It’s worse though because it has the capability to smother

Smother your desire to be you

And do what you do

So feelings I admit, we cannot escape any second or day

But we must also make note they are not all bad any way

I feel joyful – I feel good

I feel loved – I feel understood

I feel strong – I feel kind

I feel able – I feel relaxed and unwind

So while feelings can be difficult, challenging, and sometimes hard to swallow

It seems like even though there are bad feelings… good ones tend to follow

So remember that just like how – what goes up must come down

There is an end to every frown

Feelings don’t last forever; they change, shift, alter, and swing

Remember life is a ride, but you decide what you want to bring

Leave as much baggage as you can

Grudges really hurt a man

And hold your beautiful memories up high

They will help you soar through the sky

Tonight I feel peaceful, a little sad, excited and nervous, uncomfortable too.

Tonight that is how I feel – What about you?

A poem I'm posting for a friend... much love.

I said “No.”

By: Erin 

I remember……. I said “No.”

Actually I begged you to stop

I pleaded with you to leave me alone

But you didn’t

You ignored me

Abused my body

You violated me, my body, and my spirit

I remember…….I said “No.”

Time went by; my lips sealed shut

I felt filthy every single day

No one could know, the shame, the disgust

That bathroom became a place for purging the wrong you did

The filth you left inside my body

The impurity and shame I held within

Sometimes I wondered: Did I say yes in some strange way?

Sometimes I asked myself: Did I tell him I wanted that?

Sometimes I questioned: Did I deserve this?

But the truth is out, it’s loud and clear:

I remember…….I said: “No.”

My experience is not uncommon, or unique to me

This horrible thing happens at an alarming degree

I’m working through it day by day

Even though sometimes there is nothing I want to say

But I will always remember that I said “No.”

And that he should have let go.

Love.

To my Brother, Whom I love

By: Erin 

Everyone talks about how mean kids can be

But I didn’t realize it until it came to my little brother with OCD

When I am home, my Brother and I are with each other

For I am his sister and he is my brother

He shares with me about the bullying and picking

I don’t understand the flicking and tricking

Yes, he is different, but he is kind and fun too

If you need a pencil he will give you a few

He says hello often probably even too often for some

But he always asks you what is wrong if you look glum

He has fears that don’t make sense to you or to me

Why try to scare him even more just to see?

He is sorry a lot for things he didn’t do

In large part because he wants to be accepted by you

You don’t understand him, his personality or disorder too

To be honest I don’t understand you

And I wonder if I want to

He is unbelievably kind

And has a very sharp mind

He loves children, kids and adults too

And it’s important to him to say what is true

And Brother this poem is written for you

And for every kid that feels like you do

Take heart in knowing that it does change as you grow

But never forget that I love you more than you could ever know

Sweet Victory

Sweet Victory

By: Erin 

I think big

I reach for the moon

I stretch my imagination

Those things are exciting and fun

But I also like things that have an ‘end’ and can be ‘done’

I love to check things off my list

And double check to make sure nothing was missed

My journey to health, recovery, balance and life can’t look like that

For this is something that I will forever work at

The second I check something off my ‘list’ it pops up again times two

So ultimately this ‘list’ is impossible to get through

But rather I find sweet victory in the little things

Like feeling self love during the day

Or making time for yourself to relax and play

How about doing that one thing you’ve been trying to do

Or just making sure you take care of you

I still think big

I still reach for the moon

I still stretch my imagination

I just now realize that I can do those things in a new way

A way where I stay healthy and get through the day

And celebrate my moments of being me

And the time we’re together to be ‘we’

It’s strange because what was once so contradictory

Is now my sweet victory

Sharing My Story

Sharing is Caring

By: Erin 

Have you ever heard that phrase?

“Sharing is caring”

Maybe in your kindergarten days…..

I think for me it’s never been more true

When it comes to sharing with the world, my friends or just you

I tell people my story, the up and the down

Times when I’ve flown and times when I’ve hit the ground

I chat about my past hurts, my current trials, frustrations too

It’s amazing how many people can relate to what I’ve been through

I share my life with my friends, my family, and those near by

No matter if I need to laugh, talk, scream, smile or cry

I discuss my goals, dreams, ambitions and hopes

Also my fears about being held down by my own ropes

I cannot walk this walk alone, and neither can any of you

It’s easy to be embarrassed and ashamed but think this through

To feel better, less alone, less strange or distant

We must choose to share our lives and become resistant

Resistant to desires to hide away out of sight

Resistant to push others away by picking a fight

Resiliency is something inside each of us encouraged by hope and love

It is something we become by knowing we are not alone

And by sharing our stories and lives we will become known

By becoming known we are caring for ourselves by reminding us “we’re OK”

We too are caring for others in much of the exact same way

So really I have no problem stand up and declaring:

Sharing really is caring 

What Happened Tonight.

I chose darkness tonight

By: Erin

Remember being little and picturing the little people on your shoulders?

One representing good and one representing evil?

That concept never really stops being true, even as we grow older

Tonight I made a choice to gratify the dark sitting on my shoulder

Like so many other times the darkness felt as heavy as a boulder

Weighing heavy in my heart and heavy in my mind

Convincing me that darkness was the way I was defined

Paralyzed by my own emotions, past, fear, shortcomings, and trauma

I laid in bed, silently crying wanting to held by my mamma

Not knowing when this would stop, ease up or break the pain

I felt like I was burning inside and going insane

I had thoughts I did not want

Memories that continued to haunt

Temptations that kept running through my brain fast

By my own self I felt harassed

Sitting alone unsure of what to do

I made the decision to take my pain and cut my skin through

I feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment too

Because light is what I want to pursue

The darkness within me jumped for joy

As though everything had worked, their secret ploy

And I delved deeper into myself as the tears began to fall

Then made the choice to use my voice to tell my roommate it all

Worry walked across her face

Nervous energy and fear filled this place

She loved on me and hugged on me

"Its ok, but let me check it, I need to see"

I hesitantly showed my hips one of which said “No”

I was embarrassed for her to see, and for me to show

But having her know reminded me this is smaller than who I am

I am stronger than the darkness’ great scam

For as a daughter of light I seek after goodness and joy

Laughter, perseverance, and love are things I employ

As tonight proves I will not be perfect as I walk this journey and trail

But until I give up and turn back, there is no way I can fail

Tonight I chose something dark

And on my skin I left a mark

But I am not defined by that moment of pain

Or the terrible thoughts in my brain

Right now I choose light

By getting rid of my shame, my embarrassment and fear

And share with you what happened during this particular fight

For I can never undo what I did tonight

But when there is darkness, light is always near

Becoming Less Like Me!

Less like Me

By: Erin 

Each year since I was young

Ash Wednesday would quickly come

And I would think and think about which food I would deprive myself of

Convincing myself it was to please the big guy above

But not this Lenten Journey

I’m going to prepare my heart to tame my tongue

To sing praise

In many different ways

I’m going to prepare my heart to tame my tongue

To build others up and make them feel their worth

The worth they were given even before their birth

I’m going to prepare my heart to tame my tongue

To speak kind words about myself inside and out

The negative talk is something I could do without

I’m going to prepare my heart to tame my tongue

To foster light instead of the night we so often find

Because that is why we are here, as this season will remind

To do this, I will add a special time of prayer

For these things I did just share

To do this, I will write verses on my hand

To remind me of this journey when life does not go as planned

To do this, I will have people remind me when I forget

Very kindly of course, so there is no threat

I’m excited for this Lenten season

For this very reason:

It’s about becoming more like Christ and less like me

And that is how I want to be

Just Be You

Just Be You

By: Erin 

Let’s make a deal

We’re going to say how we feel

Let’s take off the mask

We’re going to need help, but we will just ask

The deal is you will just be you

And I’ll just be me too

We won’t have to hide

And we will feel so much better inside

I understand the risk you may fear

But can’t you see the worst case scenario is already here?

No one knows who they are or what they are about

Which leads people to shout, doubt, and act out

Insecurities run as high as the sky

So we see what is cool, the fashion or trend and try to comply

But this deal is for each of us different and a like

Take a picture of you as a child being who you are and go on strike

Strike against impossible expectations you’re killing yourself to meet

Instead be who you are, or you who want to be complete

The truth is that is the person I want to know

Not the person you’ve been used to giving as a show

I bet you’re cool and funny and corky just the way you are

Even if you also have a scar

I too have a hard time being me

It’s hard for me to let people in to really see

But when I see people who are who they are

I see something bright, something bright like a star

And that makes it ok for me to be me

And to even show something like my own personal weird-shaped-BEAUTIFUL scar

A poem for my family :)

Hoping for Recovery

By: Erin 

Mother and Father I love you so

I was your princess, my King and Queen

Brother and Sisters I love you so

I was your comrade, my partners in crime

Hugs and Kisses – laughter too

Dancing and spinning, singing and talking

Darkness fell one horrid night

ED attacked, and terror jumped inside our home

 Ugly words, fear, hate and blame

Tears were never-ending

Exhaustion, frustration, anger

Exhaustion, frustration, anger

Exhaustion, frustration, anger

I ran from you and the darkness of our home

….darkness followed

At times terror consumed my very being

I wanted you, your warm embrace

You rescued me a number of times…. But tensions always returned

It is not until now

After facing the darkness

Do I see your Love

Was there always

Each day

Holding your breath

Hoping for

Recovery

What treatment is for me.

Treatment

By: Erin 

It is some days my saving grace

It is at times a distressing place

It is on occasion a kind reminder

It is sometimes a fault finder

It is sometimes my friend, my support

It is some days not such a kind sort

The people I have met along the way

Have definitely helped me to stay

They have held my hand, and let me cry

They know that it’s tough, and help me comply

Family Service, Varner house, RMH, and Remuda too

All I have sought treatment, and you have seen me through

I know treatment will never really come to an end

Not for those, whose life shows this struggle and trend

But as I grow, change, and learn what I need, my treatment will definitely change and bend

So while I’ve settled in, prepared for the ride

I’ll do my best to take it in stride

Constantly getting better at taking care of me, on the inside

And when it’s hard, long and tiring

I’ll remember those people mentioned above because they are inspiring

Treatment is tough, long and difficult too

But if you’re like me, you know it’s not optional because it saved my life and got me through

No one is average.....

Average

By: Erin 

As a little one my teachers said I was an average child

I guess they judged me by the way my clothes always had patterns that were wild

School was not my favorite thing to do

No, apparently I’d rather play, or talk and get to know you

But later in my kid years I grew to be afraid of that word

Average, mediocre, common, or third

For I knew in my heart there was something special inside me

And it was something I wanted others to see

So I showed off to all that I could

Studied more than I should

Convinced myself I had to be the best to be good

But really I misunderstood

I was never average, mediocre, or ordinary too

And my friend, the same goes for you

You have talents, gifts, quirks, and abilities unlike any other

It’s something you can do without your big brother

Some people dance, sing, or play

Others are natural at leading the way

Still others pay close attention to what must get done

And some people are great at having fun

No one is ordinary, common or average no matter how big or small

We’re each our own person, with our own talents and tastes

I think that’s better all in all