What Matters to You?

What Matters?

By: Erin

Today was a big day

In each and every way

Love was celebrated

Hope was demonstrated

Friends were appreciated

God was praised for what he has created

And in my heart was fear

Fear of everything unclear

Everything I could not understand

Both the small and the grand 

But -- what matters?

What moments will I share with those around?

Which things will I remember with love and astound?

What matters?

Every day is a big day 

We only get one “today” each day

And we will have both the good and the bad

We will have both the happy and the sad

But what do you want to give weight to?

What do you want to pursue?

What matters?

What matters to you?

I want to control Everything.

Itching for Control

By: Erin

Itching 

Seems a good word to describe my current feeling

More and more control would be the most appealing

I can feel it by way of my thoughts

I can feel it by way of temptations too

I can feel it by urges pulsing through

I know people see this inside of me and think

“She’s annoying, anal, and strange or needs a drink…”

I wish I could make it go away

For I know it sometimes prevents me from the healthy way

The itching is intense from time to time and day to day

And manifests itself in different ways

It is almost painful the need to feel like something is within my control

As though feeling in control will make me feel 'complete' and 'whole'

I don’t want this to be my fate for the rest of my days

And I know I can continue to change my ways

But it is super hard with all of this itching and pain

Especially when “Just control this and all will be good” sits in my brain

I guess it is another fight

I’m sure a deeper issue I’ve avoided with my might

And awareness sheds light

So maybe there can be an end to this loooonnngggg night

Feeling misunderstood is hard.

Know who you are

By: Erin

I cannot please everyone that I know

Which is hard for me to accept and understand 

There are often so many people saying so many things

But I must know who I am, and I must know where I stand

I love Jesus – and I’m made clean not dirty, not bad

I am not weak, just because I experience depression and being sad

Nothing is perfect – but I believe things can be better than today

And it is our job, to go after them and make them better in every way

I have struggles, hurts, deep fears too

But I cannot be concerned or preoccupied with who I am to you

Because I am who I am

The person God designed me to be

Far from perfect, great or even good

But deserving of respect and being understood

That I am who I am

Trying honestly trying

Applying

And even complying

But it must be known I am who I am

The person God created me to be

Praying that I can make things better someway somehow

And put good use to this body and time God has graciously allowed

Know who you are today

People might not get it in any way

But you are who you are

Who you were created to be

Nothing is better than honesty

Walk for Hope

Walk for Hope

By: Erin

One step

Two Step

Three Step

Four

Don’t give up… just a few more

Five step

Six step

Seven step

Eight 

All of us walking…. can relate

Nine step

Ten step

….

Oh no I must stop

Hold on… I feel I may drop

Take a break, slow down if you need

But ultimately we will proceed

For

We are walking for hope one step at a time

Sometimes sloped downhill, sometimes a climb

But, we will continue on – day and night

For HOPE is absolutely worth the fight

Without it we have nothing but darkness and despair

So that is why we walk to find it – here, there, everywhere

Walk for Hope

Let’s keep going

And as our group is growing

We will continue to

Walk for Hope

the frustrating things...

You can refuse

By: Erin

I am tempted to believe

I need to prove something to you

It’s like you see weakness in me

Where I know there is strength to be

I’ll admit I wish you saw me for who I am

The person I have always been

The person I love and I am proud of within

But

It became apparent that you do not 

See me beyond your own brain and thought

Which is hard because I want to prove to you, whom I care about

That I am finally learning, morphing, adjusting throughout

It is true convincing you is a waste of time and day

And it probably would not work anyway

Plus

Ultimately I should have not to prove to anyone who is inside me

Because I am fine to be me – and me is who you see

You might not see my progress with your eyes

So you question my judgment even when I try

So, I will not fight the fact that you see someone weak in my face

Because ultimately your thoughts about me don’t matter in the first place

I am stronger today than ever prior day

And if you don’t see that – it is okay

At that point I must wonder what is the issue with you

It’s something you might want to attend to

If I could just be perfect...

Perfectly Imperfect

By: Erin

My mind says

You must be

Everything you see

In this list below

That is what you shall show

Polished

Very thin

Clean

Expressed

Firm yet Gentle

Strong yet humble

Always kind

Organized

Smart without being annoying

Well versed in the “right thing to say”

Accidently funny

Poised

Composed

And I was killing myself trying to meet those expectations

For I would never get to all of those destinations

I am not perfect

And that is what I want to be

So that no one will have a chance to see

Who I am today

Me for me

But here I am – I think this is right

It may be a little different from your view or sight

Capable

Healthy

Ambitious

Passionate

Extreme

Loud (really loud)

Blunt yet kind

Strong physically, mentally, emotionally

Manipulative when I am scared

Organized if I care

Smart and sometimes annoying

Way too well versed in the “right thing to say”

Awkwardly funny

Open

Impulsive

Childish sometimes

Arrogant at times

Stubborn and difficult

Loving

Determined

There are definitely things I need to work through, talk through, and change to move ahead

So that my recovery can continue to spread

Inside of myself

My body

My mind

My soul

And to do that I must accept where I am today

Instead of wishing for something impossible and faraway

Today you will see

I am me for me

Perfectly Imperfect

Just how I’m supposed to be

 

Judging Myself...

Judging Myself

By: Erin

The past few days I have been judging myself in every way I can

You’re treatment is taking too long

There must be something wrong with you

Other people notice it too

Moments like these make me want to do something reckless

Who cares – what is the point anyway

You heard that woman say:

She was in therapy for one and a half years

Yours will never end or so it appears

Yeah you’ve made strides in the recent months and weeks

But isn’t life without treatment what I seek

Why would I need it for so many years

When it seems so different for my peers

I feel embarrassment and shame

I feel awkward and lame

Why is this what they say I need?

When I want right now to give it up and proceed

Without the extra professional support

And try it on my own or something of the sort

So many emotions

Weird feelings too

But I do know what I will do

I’m going to follow this treatment plan

I never want to return to where I began

So I will swallow my pride

Continue with on this journey for however long it takes

For what we’re talking about has really high stakes

I will do my best to not compare with those I see

And try my best to focus on what is actually best for me

This is hard.

 

Something we all must know.

We must all know

By: Erin

Yesterday an old friend shared something hard

My heart went out to her pain and struggle

But I knew I did not understand

I have not walked this walk she’s been on

Where she has felt trampled upon

I cannot understand the exact beating her heart has endured

Or really understand the ways it’s shaped her and matured

Everyone is trying to get by in their own way

Desperately trying to get through the day

So we cannot understand the ins and outs

Of everyone’s emotions, fears, pain, and doubts

Because we cannot truly walk in their shoes

Or understand each and every bruise

But you can walk beside them as they travel

Remind them they are not alone if they fall in the gravel

If you don’t know where someone has been before

Recognize that their life, struggles and pains are different than yours

Grab their hand

Say: “You know, I don’t understand”

“But I care a lot about you”

“I want you to know and believe that is true”

“You are not alone in this storm”

“I will hug you if you need something warm”

No person will ever understand our lives in every single way

But that does not mean we’re alone each day

Love.

 

Cut in two.

The Split

By: Erin

  

There are two very distinct parts of me right now

My brain, mind and intellectual side

Then too my touchy, feeling, emotional part too

Currently these parts of me are distinct 

I truly wish they were more linked

But somewhere down the line they separated in two

And this changes how I act and what I do

This may sound strange, but to me it finally makes sense

I can better understand some of why things have been so intense

My mind likes to force my emotions into a box

Then proceeds to bind it in chains with locks 

Until

A disruption occurs and the chains are broken free

My emotions take over to a scary and alarming degree

I then spin into crisis unable to handle the feeling

All of which I have kept myself from dealing

While before my mind took control so that I could be the “best” I could be

And others would see

There is worth inside of me

But now I am left cut in two

And I have to learn what to do

Because I want my mind and my heart to be connected in some way

To add more life, stability, and love to my day

I’ve run from this truth for a little while

But I’m ready to face it, head on (sometimes with a smile)

But once again this process never really finishes or comes to an end

But I hope it takes my two halves and begins to mend

My mind and my heart together

So, I may begin to feel a little better

Dedicated to:  

S & T – For the difficult but caring conversation with me when this realization first surfaced

A & N – The two people that are working hard to help me recognize when and how I am separating myself – even when I don’t want to

 

Anyone need a hug?

A Hug

By: Erin

A Hug

Makes my cold body warm

And calms my heart during a storm

A Hug

Silences the screaming thoughts in my head

Speaks words that cannot be said

A Hug

Adds love and joy to moments of thrill

It’s perfect for celebrating after climbing a hill

A Hug

Reminds me that through life I walk not alone

As I am held, muscle and bone

A Hug

Transfers energy from one person to the next

It is amazing to see its positive effects

Hugs help me on this journey and path

But remember it takes at least two to hug

Do the math

A Hug

Is the perfect example of our need for each other

For we are all sister and brother

A Hug

Demonstrates the power of a team

Especially when it feels we are walking upstream

A Hug

Symbolizes how we were built for community and love

That’s how He wanted it – the big guy above

A Hug

Relaxes the soul so we know it will be okay

Without there even being words to say

A Hug

Goes a million miles to

Heal the pain

Ease the strain

Release the blame

Remove the shame

Say I love you

Help us to get through

But most of all

Break down the wall

That keeps me from knowing you

After all

 We are both beautiful

That is true

Sometimes We Cannot Sleep

Long Lost Sleep

By: Erin

You know those nights where sleep slips away?

And your mind floats this, that, and the other way…

Yeah – not my favorite time of day

The dark seems darker

The cold seems colder

The scary seems scarier

And all you can think is:

“Okay, now it’s time to go to sleep.”

You even try counting sheep

But you do this to no avail

And we all hate to fail

Especially when it’s something we need

In order to function and succeed

But some nights it slips away gone

And some nights it comes off and on

Which is frustrating to no end

Because our minds make the darkness grow and extend

During this time when we are awake

When it blissful sleep for which we ache

 

How I got through today....

Grace for Today

By: Erin

I was given so much grace today

In such a very simple yet profound way

First through dinner with friends

Those times you wish had no end

Then through my friend Anna with an inspiring talk

About our plan for next year

And where we will walk

Finally then Michelle who sat and shared with me

Allowing each other to just relax and ‘be’

The way we felt, and say what needed to be said

Including random thoughts inside our heads

That was my grace today

Given by God in a simple but profound way

And with all the rough stuff in a day

I must must say

Praise you Lord for this beautifully difficult day

 

Stressed? Yeah. Me too.

Stress

By: Erin

“Kill me now”

“This is impossible…. HOW?”

“I will never get this done.”

“I just want to be in the sun.”

Sweating bullets

Beating heart

I don’t even want to start

I can’t do this

I’m not good enough

This is going to be sooooo rough

Stop

Just stop for a moment

Breathe in breathe out

Let the oxygen work throughout

Make a list

Chug through it with time – persist

Take breaks as you need

Then continue on and proceed

Don’t forget to breathe in air

Stretch, stand or say a prayer

Then keep going – you’re almost done

Then you can play in the sun

For things a list won’t help or relieve

Remind yourself and try to believe

This stress will not last forever more

So ride it out as you’ve done before

Apply self-care

Here – there – everywhere

And don’t forget you are not on your own

We’re right here – just pick up your phone

Stress is real

We have to deal

 

Praying through Tears

Praying through Tears

By: Erin

Dear Jesus,

Please hear my cry tonight through my silent tears

I am so exhausted, so tired, so overwhelmed by the years

Drops of water flow down my face or sometimes mask

I need your love and grace to take me over…..

Fast

I cannot breathe, think or form words with my lips

I am at the point of losing my grip

I need you Jesus

I cannot do this; I cannot battle this fight anymore

Without you there is no hope – I am done for

Save me right now from the darkness in my head

Even the dark thoughts that are left unsaid

I feel all alone, trapped, bound, and broken

So please hear my prayer through these tears – unspoken

I need your love and grace to take me over….

Fast

I cannot do this; not without you

I need you Jesus

That is true

 

I am in pain.

Pain

By: Erin

Straining my Soul

Heating my Heart

Beating my Bones

Pain

Pulsating

Persistently

Intentionally look Inward

Cower from the Crowd

React without Recognition

Pain

Pulsating

Persistently

Desperately chase Denial

Sit in the Situation

Pursue a greater Purpose

Pain

Pulsating

Persistently

No one can say “Never”

Everyone faces it Eventually

People can choose to Persevere

Pain

Pulsating

Persistently

Together we will Triumph

Make it through the Madness

Help bring hope to the Hurting

Pain

Pulsating

Persistently

 

Worry at the edge of a cliff.

Worry

By: Erin

Dedicated: To my mom: I love you so much.

Worry sits in places of my body

Like in my chest

Like in my stomach

Like in my shoulders

And some of the rest

Worry eats at my heart and my soul

Pushing and fighting my mind for control

Saying:

“Don’t enjoy the moment you’re in.”

“Obsess over the ones that have yet to begin.”

Worry creeps into my being unwanted uninvited

Ruining my joy with the question: “What if?”

Feeling as though you are living on the edge of a cliff

Preventing trust, hope, love and peace

Worry does nothing but make discomfort increase

So how do we combat this difficult and hard feeling?

This is something I need to face – as part of my healing

The truth is I don’t know

Right now I’m wracked with worry to the extreme

And it seems never ending – like a rushing stream

But if God is sovereign over everything like we’ve been taught

I guess the only thing I can think of is to pray and give him a shot

A shot to work in my heart

For the wisdom he does impart

A shot to allow me to grow

It is true I may be a little hesitant though

A shot to do work in me

So that others may see

There is no need to worry after all

Christ died for it all

 

After a Storm

Hanging On

By: Erin

I feel lost today

In every single way

Not sure where I am headed

Or even where I want to go

Sometimes it seems impossible to know

Which is the direction I should choose

Everyone says something different – I am confused

This makes me crave control

And fosters the desire to burry myself in a hole

My thoughts unwanted creep into my head

I remember all the horrible things everyone has said

The dark clouds move in and I retreat inside

Thinking to myself “oh well, I tried”

Suddenly my hips seem grow

I forget the how to use the word “no”

Anger fills my heart

I want to rip my body apart

The tears fall faster than ever before

And I don’t want to live anymore

But just when it seems impossible to hang on

I peak out from my hole and realize what has come

It is dawn

The clouds have broken, and sunlight has come through

My hips returned to their size that is true

My heart is again filled with love, hope and joy

I am thankful it was not my body that I did destroy

My tears had stopped after seeing the light

And desiring my life after realizing it will be alright

I feel lost and other difficult things some days

And I often react in many ways

I’m struggling to learn ways to manage and cope

But after a storm there is always hope

It is dawn

It always comes...hang on

 

In the "Grey".

What is the right thing?

By: Erin

Black – White – Grey

It is true we often think this way

Should I

Would I

Could I

What is the right thing?

My heart says do this

My brain says do that

My gut says something different too

I wish I just knew what to do

I’ll do my best do make the right choice

That is helpful

That is kind

That is edifying

That is good

To do this I will use my actions and my voice

I will not do this perfect each and every day

And most of the time things are less

Black and White

And much much more grey

So

We must rely on God to tell us what is truth in our heart

We must be willing to walk down the hard road if we want to start

To do the right thing

Means making choices that will sometimes sting

But those very choices bring truth and smiles

As they help carry us through our darkest trials

 

What I know to be true.

 

I love you, but I can’t save you

By: Erin 

You are my friend, my family

I love you more than you will ever know

We have been through both times that were high and times that were low

But there is something that must me said

It’s been something I’ve known but ignored up in my head

You make me smile when I remember our times

But you also make me cry when you hurt yourself or others sometimes

You make me laugh out loud when you tell your jokes

But you also use your words to hurt, manipulate, lie and coax

I love when the two of us are joined at the arm

But it causes me so much distress when you inflict severe self-harm

I love when we stay up all night making promises and wishing on stars

But it kills me to then look down and see all of your scars

You are my friend, my family

I love you more than you will ever know

We have been through both times that were high and times that were low

But there is something that must be said

It’s been something I’ve known but ignored up in my head

I cannot continue to keep your secrets buried deep

For those secrets don’t allow me to sleep

I will no longer engage in our destructive days or nights

This may cause arguments and even fights

But this is not healthy for me or for you

That is the only thing I know to be true

It is my hope that by me pulling away and getting support

That you might also want something of that sort

But I need you to know that while I love you through and through

There is no way I can save you

Not like the two of us used to believe we would do

Like the way I would expect you to save me too

It’s not fair

It’s not right

All that belief will do is prolong the darkness

And stifle any possibility of light

I love you, but I can’t save you

And you can’t save me either

That is what I know to be true