Journey of Hope: 02/09/12

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Finally Alive

I won’t stop

By: Erin

I have begun something good, no great

It’s hard, painful, and even exhausting

But I won’t stop

Because I finally feel alive

I won’t stop

Not after experiencing the

Feeling of my heart beating within my chest

As my soul laughs with my friend, the best

I won’t stop

Not after realizing the

Comfort that I can feel in deep devotion and prayer

In my times of joy and also in my moments of despair

I won’t stop

Not after witnessing the

Amazing people who are fighting this fight, and waging this war

Because this takes strength and determination down to the core

I won’t stop

Not after finally feeling the

Life pulse through my veins even in the midst of hot fire

Because life has become real and life is what I now desire

It took me so long to get here

Honestly exactly how it happened is unclear

But the journey was worth the wait

Because I have finally truly begun something good, no something great

And

I won’t stop

Because I am finally alive

Shedding Tears.

Tears

By: Erin

My tears sometimes mean I am angry

They fall after a fight

They fall during a long night

My tears sometimes mean I am sad

They fall when grieving something gone

They fall when I hideaway withdrawn

My tears sometimes mean I miss my own mark

They fall as I fail in my own head

They fall as I feel lost and dead

My tears sometimes mean I am happy beyond words

They fall as I hear kind words and people smile

They fall after laughing with children for a while

Tears fall for many reasons

They fall on many days

They fall in many ways

Tears speak volumes of words I cannot express

And not always because I’m in crisis or distress

Tears are a language in and of their own

Tears help to make my feelings known

It’s easy to wish they would go away

But now that I understand them

I would rather they stay

The Best Place on Earth -- Loch Haven Lake.

The Magic of Summertime

By: Erin

Loch Haven Lake

It’s a place where boys become “Men of the Woods”

And Spiderman exists

it’s a place where everyone is Michael Phelps

and age does not exist

The Diving Board – our friend and foe

an avenue for creativity

a source of fun and frustration

a thing that must be conquered

and after we face our fears and take the plunge

it is a symbol of strength

Loch Haven Lake

It’s a place where people of all different

Sizes and Shapes

Thoughts and ideas

Professions and Ages

Faiths, ideologies and ethnicities

come together to enjoy the magic of summertime.

Compassion Explained.

Compassion

By: Erin

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Erin

And I’m going to share with you something I learned about compassion

I struggle like most people to get through life

I deal with mental illness, trauma, stress and the like

And a while ago I was sure I was done

Even before my life had really begun

I was consumed with frustration at my current situation

Convinced that my life was just a series of temptations

People tried to encourage, support and care

But eventually they would no longer know and blankly stare

Which increased the self-pity and escalated the self-doubt

This usually encouraged me do things in my life that helped me zone out

It is nice to hear that you are loved

It is nice to hear you are cared for too

But isn’t it the best to hear that someone believes in you

To have compassion for others in their time of need

Is a big part of what will help them triumph and succeed

But, there is a way, a method, a time and a place

That could help them the most by giving them both inspiration and grace

Everyone has responsibilities

At times mine were to eat three meals and participate in group

Those things were not easy during those days but that was my place and bowl of soup

People encouraged me, helped me, supported me too

But they were firm and always expected me to do what I was there to do

This sent me the message that I could accomplish my goal

Which helped me to feel a little less broken and a little more whole

Everyone has abilities

When you are caught in a crisis, and feel dangerously low

There is something important others and yourself must know

Just because you’re feeling pretty awful and not great

Does not mean this will forever be your fate

You were born with talents and have developed skills

That will help carry you over life’s mountains and hills

Everyone has the power to choose

When we are suffering we often do not get to pick what happens at all

And this feeling is often what makes a lot of us feel small

But What I am saying to those who support and to those who suffer

Our power to choose makes us a heck of a lot tougher

We can choose treatment, exercise, a good amount of sleep too

These are definitely some of the decisions that helped me and might help you

Now back to compassion you may be confused

But my point is that compassion is not always when compliments and nice words are used

People had compassion for me when they cared enough

To expect me to face the really tough stuff

I move slowly when I am struggling and tired

But I am still moving forward because that is required

It is needed for living

It is need for loving

And learning too

The compassion is there

Even if some people blankly stare

I can tell you one thing I believe in you

To do just what you need to do

A NEW best.

My Personal Best

By: Erin

My personal best used to look like this:

Push myself to every limit

To be perfect to the extreme

Tune out my family and friends

And to achieve the best and more

Overall I would disregard me, myself and I

To be everything I thought I should be

Without even wondering “why”

My personal best has changed or is changing today

For better or worse I’m still not sure

But this is how it looks today

And while it may not be fun, it is okay

My best involves doing something for me each day

It can be simple, fun, or chill that is up to me

Exercise is something that is good for me when I do it healthily

Sometimes I stretch, walk, swim or dance, all of which are done for me

Diet is a hard one for those who struggle with food, but very important to keep a balanced mood

I plan at the beginning of each week and strive to eat meals three times each day

Drugs or prescriptions keep me going through my sometimes long and hard days

Taking them is a necessity in each and every way

Sleep is something I cannot and will not go without

It refreshes my mind and gives me the motivation I need to move about

Spiritually or Jesus time is the last one on my list

And this is most important to me because without Him I would not exist

Sometimes this is a discouraging list to read

Sometimes others wonder what has happened to the girl I used to be

So driven and determined to complete her tasks each day

Such a leader and so organized to get things done right away

I guess it does not matter though because you see

Without changing my personal best

There is a good chance I would not be here to be me

Time will come when I will get stronger and more able to do more

But I will never again be that girl who sacrificed herself

Nope, I will not, not anymore

uncomfortable.

Separation anxiety

By: Erin

As I walk further from my illness

I feel distant from the self I used to know

I lack understanding of what will come

I struggle to reach for and feel security

ED and I were once two peas in a pod

He came where I went

I went where he told me to go

At the time, it would have seemed like he was my god.

Bipolar Disorder and I got along from time to time

On highs I would be intense and productive

Bipolar made me a leader, smart, dedicated too

Unfortunately all of that would quickly change on the flip of a dime

On days like today

When I feel tired of working on recovery

When I feel frustrated that in some ways this will never really end

When I feel tempted to return to the other part of my ‘pod’

When I long for the intensity and productivity and impulsivity too

I must remember that separation from illness will lead me

To the long sought after self-discovery

To a place where I can actually become my own friend

To a time where I won’t need my façade

To a week where the days are not as hard to get through

And finally

To a person that is not bound by an ‘ED’ or Bipolar, no but to a person that is free to be me

and you to be whoever you want yourself to be too

Brick Walls.

Boundaries

By: Erin

I used to really hate that word ‘boundaries’

I drew mental images of brick walls one hundred feet tall

I envisioned shutting people out, turning people away from the gates of my heart

I pictured putting myself on a pedestal and pushing everyone down below my feet

Saying “I’m the most important, Bow down to me!”

That was when my understanding of the word was not quite right

That was when my imagination combined with my infatuation

To be the best at everything I wanted or they wanted me to be

Took precedent of everything people who cared were telling me

In the end it steered me from being anything I had been called to be

Since then, I’ve learned a lot

Through journal, talk, and thought

This is my conclusion about that one hundred foot wall in my mind standing tall

Boundaries

They are Measures of protection

To guard your health, your happiness, your heart

Things you do or don’t do regardless of who you are with

The choice to share and disclose, as well as the choice not to

For you know that your life is yours to share when you want to

Knowledge of what is healthy for you

Knowledge of what you need and what you don’t

Knowledge of where people should not come or cross

For your space and your life is full of lines that you might not be ready for people to run across

And finally it’s important to know

When our boundaries are broken, disregarded or violated

It is our right, our duty to ourselves

To kindly but firmly show those that have crossed them where they must go

To do this we must often open our mouths and say:

“I’m sorry you must leave you cannot stay”

Wait.... Who am I?

Today, My Name is…..

By: Erin

Today, my name is Daughter

I clean and play and try not to stray