To Be Exceptional

To be Exceptional

By: Erin 

I don’t know when I became afraid of being labeled “mediocre”

But as the days went by I gradually raised my bar

Always convinced that I needed to push myself to every limit to go far

I first strived to meet other people’s expectations

Then push myself to be better out of fear of my very own limitations

All to be Exceptional

What ever that is or was anyway

It never stopped

No accomplishment was good enough

And then I dropped

My life had become one catastrophe after the next

And no one realized just how complex

The insides of my body, mind and spirit had become by my own intense drive

To be exceptional in the way that I push to strive and thrive

For my brain would say

If you don’t do it one hundred and ten percent – why do it anyway

But in all that time, I had missed the point of who I am living for

Which hurt my soul, my heart, my brain and more

To be Exceptional

Is to know how to take care of you the best way you can today

So that you are healthy to be there for others in that same way

It means knowing your limitations, your strengths and your weakness too

That way I can help people, and ask for help when I need it too

To be Exceptional 

Is to be true to your heart

To love people from the very start

To be kind to yourself and others without regard

And to step back, take a break, and rest (even when it is hard)

To be Exceptional

Needed to be re-defined inside of me to move forward with healing

And now looking back, my previous definition is so terribly unappealing

To be Exceptional

I am Overwhelmed.

I am Overwhelmed

By: Erin

I am overwhelmed 

I cannot do anything right

I cannot say anything right

I am not good enough it seems

To fulfill anyone’s expectations or dreams

So this is what I hear

You are negative

You are overbearing

You are stressful

You are criticizing 

You are weak; not ready

You are incapable

In my own brain this means

You are bad

You are unworthy

You are broken

You are disliked 

I don’t know who to be, to fix everything I have done wrong these past few days

People are saying things in all different ways

I want to scream at the top of my lungs

“I AM SORRY FOR THIS AND FOR EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD TOO”

But even apologies haven gotten me nowhere with you

At this point I do not know what to do

I try to do my best; to help; to work for something good

And I have felt really misunderstood

I don’t know – do I back down, walk away from all this frustrating stuff

OR

Do I suck it up, be who I am, go for what I believe in – even though it will be tough?

I hope I am not a horrible person

I hope I don’t come across as awful as I’ve been made to feel

My treatment team says:

These are the types of relationships I need to learn to navigate and deal

I am not perfect

I am not wonderful or great

But I have been feeling a lot of stress and hate

From all different angles

All different places and spaces

I guess it’s about time Erin embraces:

Relationships are hard

Difficult

Complicated

Multidimensional

Not always about me

Annoying

Frustrating

Hurtful

Exhausting

Overwhelming

And

100%

Worth it